15_hr_delay

[This journal entry was meant to be private, but it failed to be so.]

I never understood why nightmares had to be so scary. If it's in your head and you know it's only a dream, why do you get scared? It's not real. It can't actually hurt you. But you lose sleep from it anyway and it starts to drive you crazy. Some nights I don't sleep at all, like I'm too afraid to even close my eyes. I think it's true. I can see my nightmares when I close my eyes in the middle of the day, when I'm staring at the sky, or when I'm not doing anything in relation to it at all. I hate it. I want it to stop.

No matter what I've told myself, it doesn't help.

What I hate more than my nightmare is how it happened. If I could have kept control I wouldn't have changed. I wouldn't have attacked anyway. I wouldn't have been given these terrors.

It's true that some nights they're not bad, I don't even get them. I can sleep all night for ten hours and not have to wake up sweating or crying. Last night, though, was the worst. I slept about an hour before having to get up and walk around. At least it was nice outside the division. Quiet. I talked to a few men who were on watch duty, though most of the Shinigami don't seem to want to talk to me anymore, either.

It wasn't my fault.

It never was my fault.

It's not any Vaizard's fault!

I hate the people who hate us. It's not fair.

But I don't hate them enough to care enough to do anything. Those people aren't worth the aggravation. They'll see, one day. They'll see. Until then I just have to look at everyone equally, because deep down that's what we all are. Equals.

I also don't hate Izuru for doing this to me. The nightmares aren't his fault, even if it was his bankai. That's what he does. It was the only way to stop me. I know what I can do with my mask on. It's weird and frightening to think I did something without being able to control it. I think more than anything I just hate myself because I was too weak.

No one would train with me, though. I can't get stronger if I don't try to work it off. But no one would train with me. I don't want to ask one of the guys. Kensei's trained with me for decades, he's probably sick of it. The same old thing. That, and he's probably busy working for Renji. It sounds like something big went down the other day. Renji, Izuru, and Hitsugaya-taichou didn't look to hot when I saw them briefly. I wonder what happened.

I don't want to ask Shinji or Lisa or Rose. They have their own things to do. And I can't ask anyone in my division. Even if they smile at me and wave on their own, I don't think they'd like to face swords with me. I shouldn't ask Izuru either--whether he's healed from whatever happened or not! He's done enough for me.

Maybe I'll go find someone who will fight. I'd say asking someone in the Eleventh, but I'm kind of afraid they won't stop fighting once we start.

Guess I'm on my own for training. And these nightmares will stop eventually. I just have to wait it out and tell myself it's just a dream. Nothing's going to happen.

I can't believe the month is almost over? This is like, ridiculous. How is it already May?! Oh my gosh. So much to do and so little time! I don't even know where to start!!! Ahhh. My reports are done, though, which is good. Yay, me. But I have ZERO time for naps anymore! ZUZU YOU'RE WORKIN ME TOO HARD!

Shinji....Shiiiiiiinji....Can I tell everyone yet? It's been a few days! I think everything is-OMG WHERE ARE YOU GONNA STAY.

Zuzu! Zuzu! Can I have a roommate?

Zuzu! Zuzu! I neve-I. . .did I give you my. . .did. . .hm. Never mind.



KENSEI. You're SUCH a boob! I can't believe you're did this to me! You're SO mean and cruel. And a jerk. And a perv! Nyaaa~

Ahh~ I'm feeling a lot better! I guess whatever I had ran its course and left! Yay.

Kensei, I hate you for making me that sick. I've never, ever been sick like that before. It's your fault and I blame you. So there.

Zuzu~ I'm gonna stop by later. I got some more notes for you that I got this morning while I was out getting some air!



[[Please take note that today, March 31, Mashiro will be going hollow. There may have been a lapse in her sickness, but a log will be backdated for today once our darling Ama has returned from her tripity trip. <3]]

Kensei. You're a jerk.

Zuzu. I don't feel so good. I'm gonna lay down fo

I like it here~ Izuru is a very good captain. The Third isn't bad, either. They're pretty accepting and I've had more questions about my hair than my, ah....race.

???

Anyway~ Renji, do you wanna go out Sunday? I'm kinda free everyday, but Sunday is best because I have nothing planned! <3333

Rukia and I had so much fun the other day! Thanks, Rukia!

( Valentine's Gift to: Ichigo, Izuru, Jyuushirou, Kensei, Renji, Rose, Shuuhei. )

[Backdated to Tuesday]

( Private to Kensei )

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( Private to Rose )

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( Private to Izuru )

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I'm not so bored anymore~

I went to Izuru-fukutaichou's yesterday! It was weird seeing the Third Division again. Rose had hardly been the captain back then for all that long. He was so lazy though! Izuru-fukutaichou makes great tea! I really had fun talking to him about stuff.

[Filtered//Available Only to Ichigo, Kensei, Ukitake]
I really miss my friends. I was telling Izuru-fukutaichou about them and what we did. He asked if Seireitei had been all that different one hundred years ago. I don't think so, not really. Just the people. We're what make it different, not time or age. . .

I remembered what it was like to not have this Thing. It was nice to remember. But when I think about it I

I don't really know if I would get rid of her if I could. After you spend so long with someone, even if they're bad, you kinda grow attached. I think, if I had the choice, I'd keep her. I've come to terms with what I am, I did a long time ago. She's not something I could just throw away like an old pair of glasses or a torn scarf. She's a person too, even if she is a little screwy in the head. At least you don't have to sit around listening to her talk on and on and on!

But Izuru-fukutaichou seems really understanding and curious. I like him the most of the new captains for that.